I have determined that the fastest way to make your favorite song a song you HATE is to make it the ring-tone on your cellphone.

I use “And I Am Telling You” from Dreamgirls, but performed by Lakeisha from this seasons American Idol. Its not that my phone rings that often, because it doesn’t, but when it does ring, the song is stuck in my head. Now I am sick sick sick of it!

***

Speaking of Idol. I will spare everyone the “Melinda Should Have Won America Is STOOPID” rant because I am no longer surprised. Taste is indeed subjective. Besides Melinda is well on her way anyway.

Of the two that sang last night, Jordan should absolutely win. When it came to singing the CRAP song they make the winner release each year, it was obvious Blake thought it was a crap song and it showed in his performance. And because of his performance I thought it was a CRAP song too. I almost fast-forwarded through Jordan singing the song because I thought I would die of boredom. Then something interesting happened. Jordan’s version made it sound like a GREAT song. She really pulled it off, and the tears at the end, whether planned or not were brilliant. Brava darling! I hope you win!

***

 I am an avid World of Warcraft player, but I won’t go into elaborate detail here. You’re welcome. Because even I find it boring when people blog about WoW, and I know what they are talking about. I can only imagine that to a non-WoW player, it would sound like a forriegn language.  Just let me say that I reached a big milestone last night and I am very proud.

***

Tonight is the Lost finale and I am both sad and excited. Locke CAN”T be dead!

***

My favorite expression, by far is “shut the FUCK up!”  Bonnie thinks I should have it tattooed on my forehead, and I have considered it. Soon I will be posting entries awarding my own very special award to people who need to shut the fuck up. It will be my STFU Award. So stay tuned.

In the meantime I will give you a list of people I think should shut the fuck up. Feel free to add yours in comments:

Rosie O’Donnell, Ann Coulter, Britney Spears, Michael Moore, Paris the fuck HILTON and her mother, and anyone who speaks with a French Accent.

To name a few.

So I return to work to encounter “THE STARE.” Thats the glaring look one of my coworkers gives you when she is displeased.

To give youa bit of background, this coworker, I’ll call her M, takes herself a TAD too seriously. Now, don’t get me wrong, in an emergency I would want no one else handling things. She can remember and think of every little detail. She will probably save someones life in some capacity some day. But she doesn’t know when to turn it off, so she can be really intense over situations that are really no big deal.

ANYway I couldn’t wait for her to get off her call so I could get the spanking over with. While I was checking my email a 3.5 floppy disk flew through the air onto my desk with a post it note that said “Trouble ticket # xxxxx34 OPEN FOR 3 DAYS!!!!!”

She was still on a call, but the glare had intensified when she realized I didn’t have a clue what that was supposed to mean, nor was I certain I cared. It wasn’t my trouble ticket. Alas, I had to wait until she was done to find out. the suspense didn’t kill me.

(As it turned out I had left that floppy in an A drive of one of the computers I had been “floating” around on for 3 weeks before they found a desk for me to sit at.)

So she gets off her call and makes a big dramatic thing out of taking off her headset and throwing it on her desk. then she turns to look at me, looking like “Big Delores” in the movie “Hope Floats” after she got hit in the face with a volleyball.

And she just sttod there…

Glaring…

Glaring…

Until…

“Jesus M! what the hell is it?” I finally asked.

“YOU left that floppy in John’s computer.”

“And?”

“AND we couldn’t reboot it.”

“Why not?”

“OBVIOUSLY because YOUR floppy was in it! We had a trouble ticket open 3 DAYS!!!”

“Is it my fault that the techs take so long to respond to trouble tickets?”

“The POINT IS you left the floppy in there and wasted ALL OF OUR TIME!!”

“Why because YOU couldn’t read the error message that said ‘Error reading A drive software’???”

“It didn’t say that.”

“Well it said something like that.”

“You don’t know.”

“No? What did the tech do when he came?”

“He tried to reboot.”

“And how long did that take?”

“Not long, because it didn’t reboot. Then he pointed at the screen, and said….”

“That there was a floppy in the A drive?”

“SHUT UP!” She yelled and lumbered away with her purposeful bouncy walk, which she does to make her pony tail swing, but she only ends up looking like Lurch.

*sigh* I love my job.

Not that it still doesn’t infuriate me that people expect others to conform to their own convenience. But taking it out on Jane might have been a bit uncalled for. And Twitter isn’t exactly only for retards, but I FO SHO don’t get the attraction for readers or posters.

I still have wonderful plans to make that elevator woman’s riding life miserable though. I actually have 3 variations so far:

1. The one I mentioned yesterday – I will get on, push 1 so it stops on that floor, then ride to the basement with her.

2. Get on, push one, get off and take the stairs to the basement and wait for her to get off the elevator.

3. Take the stairs from the second floor to the first floor, call the elevator so it stops there and get on and ride with her to the basement.

I think she’ll get my point. Or kill me.

***

In quiet contemplation, I humbly mourn the passing of the reverend Jerry Falwell.

But I love TMZ’s reaction and announcement of his death. It looked like this:

Jerry Fallwell 1933 – 2007

TOO funny!

The following will be a rant that will most likely not be popular, may offend people, especially Jane and her loyal minions, but frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn.

It started when I checked Jane’s page to see if she had updated. I looked at her latest Twitter entry which said something to the effect of, “People who only take the elevator down one floor should take the stairs.”

This set me off in sooooo many ways.

First of all, how retarded is Twitter anyway? I don’t need to know every little move anyone is making. After reading that little blurb, I envisioned Jane giving the offender a withering look then whipping out her cell phone to text her complaint before she even got off the elevator. And I thought I had no life.

Secondly, and more importantly, WHY EXACTLY should someone take the stairs if they are only going down one floor? To make YOUR day more convenient? So that YOU don’t have to wait that extra freaking 30 seconds? If you are in such a freaking hurry YOU take the stairs!

I get this at work all the time because we have the slowest elevators in the free world. AND there are only 3 floors these elevators have to accommodate, so really ANYONE getting on one of our elevators is only going up or down 1 or 2 floors. Most of the time I hear people talking about other people having the AUDACITY to hold them up by having the elevator stop at the first floor when they are going to the basement. But just the other day, someone actually confronted me in the elevator.

“Don’t tell me you are going to stop us on the first floor.” She sneered as I pushed “1″

“Well I won’t tell you then.” I replied.

“I mean can’t you take the STAIRS??? Its only ONE FLOOR!!!”

“No, actually. I can’t.”

“SIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“Well I understand you are in a hurry to get TO THE GYM,” (she had a gym bag over one shoulder) ”so maybe you can kick off your workout next time by taking the stairs yourself. Its ONLY 2 floors. Have a nice day!” I said cheerily, as I walked out of the elevator.

“Can you believe that shi-” I heard as the elevator doors closed behind me.

You know what lady? Kiss my ass! I am SO SICK of people expecting others to do or not do things simply because it inconveniences them in some way. Fuck all of you. I will take the goddamn elevator to lift me 4 fucking feet if I fucking want to! AND seeing as I don’t give a flying FUCK what you think anyway, I don’t care if you think I am lazy or whatever. And next time I am in the elevator with you, I am going to push 1 to make it stop, but ride all the way to the basement with you, grinning like a cheshire cat. FUCK YOU.

What’s funny is I had forgotten all about it until I saw Jane’s Twitter entry. So thanks alot Jane. Twitter is retarded. You can kiss my ass too.

In fact anyone who uses Twitter can kiss my ass. (Except for Bonnie, but only because I wuv her more than I hate Twitter.)

Oh and since I am ranting like a lunatic anyway? Lemme include the stupid cow who stood behind me in line at the Walgreen’s. You are god-damned RIGHT I wrote a check. I felt your eyes boring into the back of my head. You know what it made me do? Write SLOWER. AND I wrote in WALGREENS, when normally I would have left it blank. And I did the fold-and-tear-the-check-out-carefully-so-as-not-to-have-any-unwanted-tears thing too! FUCK YOU TOO.

Okay someone is coming at me with a straight jacket, so I better run.

In spite of the fact that it burns my ASS to have to give OJ Simpson more attention than he already, undeservedly gets, I have to give a BIG ‘OL STANDING OVATION to Jeff Ruby of Jeff Ruby’s Steakhouse in Louisville, Ky. Mr. Ruby decided he didn’t have to grin and bear the ASSHOLE MURDERING MOTHERFUCKER in his own private establishment. So he had the stones to do something about it. He told the AMM (see above) that under no circumstances would he be served.

I say Bravo. I hope more people follow suit. I hope people are not intimidated by WEAK claims of racism and law suits because come on – does anyone really think that kind of claim is going to hold water?

AMM, people are growing weary of your arrogance. Sure there are complete MORONS who refuse to believe you could do something like that, but we have to allow for retarded people in our society, unfortunately. You are wearing out your welcome in society and people are going to start standing up to that. Mr. Ruby has set in motion, hopefully, a new trend.

We were ALL failed by the courts in this case. Justice was not served and you, AMM, have the audacity to rub it in our faces, including the faces of the Ron Goldman family AND your unfortunate offspring.

Lets hope that more people let you know, in no uncertain terms, how HATED you are. And how much we wish you would DROP DEAD.

Mr Ruby, you have some big hairy cojones. Congratulations.

It would be an understatement to say that this year has been a rough one for me.  I have spent many many hours feeling sorrow, anxiety, guilt, and even despair. Since the beginning of the year, my mom has been in and out of the hospital 5 times. On more than one occasion I thought I would lose her. My car got totaled. And I had to put one of my dogs down.

I went through 8 weeks of the deepest, darkest depression I have ever experienced, from which I was unsure I would ever recover. It was one of the reasons I missed so much work. It scared me.

But today… Today I feel happy.

I don’t know if it is because the sun is shining for the first time in about two weeks. I never thought the sun affected me in that way, but the sun is, in fact shining gloriously.

And today, I feel content.

I spend so much time worrying. Dwelling on the things that are wrong. Anxious, waiting for the bottom to fall out – again.

But today, I feel fine.

Today I have a song in my heart, and it is, to the chagrin of my coworkers, leaking out my mouth.

Today I feel hope for myself and even for the world, in spite of the news of impending doom and people selling their kids for sex, and people shooting other innocent people and taking themselves out in a shameful blaze of bullets.

Today I don’t feel that sense that there is something really heavy swinging above my head, and its only a matter of time before the string breaks.

Today, I feel good.

I feel the need to celebrate this day. To embrace it and relish in the positive feelings that will attract positive things to me. I need to cling to this niceness. Embrace this joy. (Is it joy? hmmm. Actually yes it is! Wee!) Because I have WAY too few of these days.

Soon the stress and anxiety will work its way back into my brain, but for now. For today. At this moment. All is right with the world.

And I can’t ask for better than that.

I was planning on writing an entry about how irritated I have been yesterday and today and some of the reasons why. But I am high, you see. Hiiiiiighhhhhhh. I recently discovered the Starbucks-like coffee bar in my company’s cafeteria. I have never paid much attention to it because, until this week, I didn’t drink coffee because I don’t like hot drinks. I occasionally get a Frappy from “The Big Bucks,” but they have never given me a caffeine buzz.

My drug of choice now is Iced White Mocha, which is a shot of espresso with some yummy white chocolate mocha liquid stuff, (I mean who really CARES whats actually in it, right?) And, of course, ICE. Which changes the yucky hot drink into a yummy in my tummy COOOOLD drink that I love!

And so I have a new crack. I am hopelessly addicted and if I have no money, I will willingly BLOW ANYONE for my morning fix. So don’t even TRY to stop me because I WILL CUT YOU!!! And I know I am on a slippery slope here, and soon I will be adding EXTRA SHOTS of esspresso, and then there’s no turning back, but I don’t care.

So I am not actually irritated right now, but I will still touch on some of the things that have irritated me in the past 48 hours…

First –  You nasty-ass bitches who don’t wash yourhands after using the restroom. Now, don’t get  me wrong, I am not a germaphobe by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I laugh inwardly at people who buy every antibacterial product available, and slather their bodies and shit in it in a fruitless effort to eradicate germs from touching their squeaky clean skin. The truth is there is no way to free yourself of bacteria. there are literally GAZILLIONS of them crawling all over you at any given moment and you can soak in a vat of alcohol, but it won’t change that fact. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE AN IMMUNE SYSTEM PEOPLE! In fact, many of the bacteria are good bacteria that we need, which is why you shouldn’t douche your vajayjay. Having said that, its one thing to be paranoid about germs and quite another to be NASTY NASTY NASTY. And people who don’t wash their hands are not only smearing thier shit, but everyone else’s shit all over the place. and we are ALL touching IT!!!!

So germaphobes, if you want to help make the word a cleaner place, instead of trying to kill bacteria, how about killing those ecoli-spreading BITCHES that don’t wash their hands! (And men – don’t think I don’t know you are worse. And YOU touch your willy’s so you should be scrubbing!)

Second – Stupid ass bitches who talk on their cell phones in the restroom. Now, if I am not the person listening to that shit on the other end of the phone why should that piss me off? Well, you see I have been in customer service for close to 20 years. I have been an unwilling witness to every conceivable bodily function you can imagine and a few you can’t. Not only is it rude, and nasty, its incredibly STUPID because these people actually think I can’t hear whats going on. (Or should I say coming out?) SO when I hear people on the phone in the bathroom my ears steam because I just think that’s plain rude. Also, in addition to smelling your nasty ASS, I don’t want to hear about your hot date.

I love to “spam flush” the toilet when I hear someone one the phone. My heart fills with joy when I hear the person say, REPEATEDLY, “hold on someone’s flushing.” (that really did happen!) And as soon as they start talking again I flush again.  This particular person finally got so mad I heard her say, “lemme call you back these rude people keep flushing the damn toilet and I can’t hear you!”

I mean, GAH! How rude to FLUSH a fucking TOILET after you use it!

I laughed out loud and came out of the stall and endured the rude-bitch-stare-of-DEATH as I washed my hands, (AND, I will point out that she was so busy glaring at me that she did the wet-my-fingertips-with-a-bit-of-water-and-no-soap routine, which makes her rude AND nasty, ) then I grinned at her and left the restroom. Stupid Cow.