The following will be a rant that will most likely not be popular, may offend people, especially Jane and her loyal minions, but frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn.

It started when I checked Jane’s page to see if she had updated. I looked at her latest Twitter entry which said something to the effect of, “People who only take the elevator down one floor should take the stairs.”

This set me off in sooooo many ways.

First of all, how retarded is Twitter anyway? I don’t need to know every little move anyone is making. After reading that little blurb, I envisioned Jane giving the offender a withering look then whipping out her cell phone to text her complaint before she even got off the elevator. And I thought I had no life.

Secondly, and more importantly, WHY EXACTLY should someone take the stairs if they are only going down one floor? To make YOUR day more convenient? So that YOU don’t have to wait that extra freaking 30 seconds? If you are in such a freaking hurry YOU take the stairs!

I get this at work all the time because we have the slowest elevators in the free world. AND there are only 3 floors these elevators have to accommodate, so really ANYONE getting on one of our elevators is only going up or down 1 or 2 floors. Most of the time I hear people talking about other people having the AUDACITY to hold them up by having the elevator stop at the first floor when they are going to the basement. But just the other day, someone actually confronted me in the elevator.

“Don’t tell me you are going to stop us on the first floor.” She sneered as I pushed “1″

“Well I won’t tell you then.” I replied.

“I mean can’t you take the STAIRS??? Its only ONE FLOOR!!!”

“No, actually. I can’t.”

“SIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“Well I understand you are in a hurry to get TO THE GYM,” (she had a gym bag over one shoulder) ”so maybe you can kick off your workout next time by taking the stairs yourself. Its ONLY 2 floors. Have a nice day!” I said cheerily, as I walked out of the elevator.

“Can you believe that shi-” I heard as the elevator doors closed behind me.

You know what lady? Kiss my ass! I am SO SICK of people expecting others to do or not do things simply because it inconveniences them in some way. Fuck all of you. I will take the goddamn elevator to lift me 4 fucking feet if I fucking want to! AND seeing as I don’t give a flying FUCK what you think anyway, I don’t care if you think I am lazy or whatever. And next time I am in the elevator with you, I am going to push 1 to make it stop, but ride all the way to the basement with you, grinning like a cheshire cat. FUCK YOU.

What’s funny is I had forgotten all about it until I saw Jane’s Twitter entry. So thanks alot Jane. Twitter is retarded. You can kiss my ass too.

In fact anyone who uses Twitter can kiss my ass. (Except for Bonnie, but only because I wuv her more than I hate Twitter.)

Oh and since I am ranting like a lunatic anyway? Lemme include the stupid cow who stood behind me in line at the Walgreen’s. You are god-damned RIGHT I wrote a check. I felt your eyes boring into the back of my head. You know what it made me do? Write SLOWER. AND I wrote in WALGREENS, when normally I would have left it blank. And I did the fold-and-tear-the-check-out-carefully-so-as-not-to-have-any-unwanted-tears thing too! FUCK YOU TOO.

Okay someone is coming at me with a straight jacket, so I better run.