Praise be, Hell’s Kitchen is BACK! Gordon Ramsey is HAWWWWWT, and I love him. Although its even more obvious this season that they are setting up scenarios to make them especially explosive. Its all getting a bit contrived, but I will watch anyway. Also, I am officicially announcing the Hell’s Kitchen Drinking Game. Every time that big-puppy-dog-Asian-dude cries, you take a shot. But be sure you tivo, because by the end of the episode you will be too blotto to remember who got eliminated.

And now… a glimpse into MY hell.

Me: Thank you for calling My Company, may I have your account number please?

Him: I just want you to tell me who my agent is.

Me: Absolutely. May I have your acount number please?

Him: What are you DEAF? I SAID I only want you to tell me who my agent is.

Me: Ok, well, I am happy to give you that information, but I need to know who you are…

Him: My name is ________.

So I looked up his account by name.

Me: Mr. _______ will you verify your date of birth please?

Him: HOLY FUCKING HELL YOU MUST BE A RETARD!! WHY DO YOU NEED MY FUCKING DATE OF BIRTH TO GIVE ME MY AGNTS NAME??? LEMME SPEAK TO A SUPERVISOR!!!

Me: I am a supervisor sir.

Him: Oh really? Well good. Maybe YOU can explain to me why you need my date of birth to give me my agnts name. This should be stunning.

Me: Well, we ask these questions to verify your identity, so we don’t give account specific information to someone other than yourself. Information about your agent is not necessarily account specific, but I like to get the identification process out of the way, because general questions often lead to account specific questions.

Him: GOD you people are idiots. What do you mean account specific information?

Me: Well for example, your account value. Or-

Him: Did I ASK you for my account value? No. what did I ask you for?

Me: For your agents name.

Him: GOOD. Quit wasting my time with your customer service BULLSHIT and answer my GODDAMNED QUESTION!!!!

Me: Certainly, (I have to add that by this point in a call like this my tone has turned from friendly, to dripping with exaggerated sweet sacrasm. Just enough so I can’t get in trouble.) Your agent’s name is _________, and his phone number is ____________. Is there anything else I can do for you toady?

Him: You’ve done enough. (I love that one almost as much as “Well you didn’t DO anything for me so how can you do anything else for me?)

Me: Ok thank you for calling and have a nice day. (I wait for him to hang up.)

Him: Yeah whatever. (pause) HEY! Are you still there???

Me: Yes, I’m still here sir.

Him: Give me my balance.

Me: Thud Thud Thud (banging my head on my desk)